babble in a bubble

resurrected.

2007-04-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

just got back from coron, palawan. the trip was amazing. the pictures were captivating. i was breathless.
thought of going back to blogging for a while already but its just now that i really got to my knees, (literally because i have to kneel to find comfort in typing in front of the monitor) and start typing what i think, feel, and everything.
palawan was, is, will always be perfectly beautiful. the islands are really pretty to look at, tiring to climb up but still perfect. i cant say i had the most fun experience in palawan, personally, maybe because it was just a 2 day trip and i find myself still wanting more from the place. wanting to find time to think about my life and my actions for the past two years (of course, this is because of the great scenery that makes it so perfect for people to find themselves while on such a place). But I didnt. It was fun but not so great. i didnt find peace just like what i found in puerto galera 2 years ago. it was just one of the many. Not that ive traveled so many places already but it was just one of the many fun experiences that i have had. unforgettable yet not lasting.
its ironic because i was with my family (leemuel, my baby, my dad, my sister,and my step family [dont know the term]). there were a lot of pictures taken. numerous exchange of smiles.but no true happiness. just fleeting. as the day ended, the smiles faded along with every strength inside of you to move. slumber takes over.
today, i was looking at the pictures that we took. i find myself ugly. not to mention "grossly overweight" (got the term from one of michael caine's lines from "the weatherman" when he was describing his granddaughter). i wasnt so much of a "camel toe" (again from caine's lines) but my bulging stomache was desperately wanting to escape from the clingy blouse that i was wearing. i dont know what i was thinking wearing those clothes. i'm fat. but i constantly try to deny the fact that i am now a disgusting fat bastard. i always say "sexiness is a state of mind". well, sometimes i still look sexy even with my plus size body but unfortunately, the days that i was in Palawan, didnt include those times that the mind would trick the eye of myself still looking good to other people's eyes.
im pathetic. still the same as before. bad in thinking. bad in writing. bad in every thing. maybe worse.
before writing this, i read the previous postings from the last 2 years. sadly, i never changed. i am still the pathetic, crazy, catatonic old me. stunned to realize that i may never be well. i gotten worse during the duration of those 2 years: getting pregnant unexpectedly, giving birth, and having a family. "i may really need to chuck myself". a thought that came to me while sitting on the side of the boat waiting for the waves to slap my face.waiting, saying to myself that maybe then i might find the courage to really do it. chuck it. my life. but im still as cowardly as i used to be.
so then, i just kneel and type.
later.

done.

2005-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

this blog has served its purpose.

im done with it, and off to another chapter of my life. where, there is not only me but someone else who will be mine, forever.

my baby, im happy to have you at this moment of m life.

you have given me direction and will forever guide me thru life's long journey.

thank you.

sh*t... love sucks!

2005-08-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

5:34am

office. crushed. melancholy.

bye, bye belinda bye bye!

im crushed at the moment. crushed with the thought that i have stupidly allowed myself to fall in love with someone that was so different from who i am. and the worst of this, i have been so vocal about my feelings making it hard for him to turn me down - allowing himself to linger on what i feel for him, then convictingly saying NO! when i had just begun to really enjoy what i've had with him.

wala ng iba para sa akin. maging sa panaginip ikaw ang nais makapiling. di pagpapalit kahit kay rio locsin. wala ng iba para sakin. hindi sasaya kung wala ka.

yesterday was jiorg's birthday. i seem to be cursed everytime his birthday comes. last year, i lost my savings. this year, i was extremely vigilant with my earthly possesions just to avoid the thing that happend last year. and i was actually glad that nothing happened to me during the day. well, not 'til the clock struck 12 am. as the day ended and my ex's celebration of birth passed, my heart just got crushed by someone who really didnt mean to do it. i was vigilantly guarding my material belongings that i forgot that the most important possessions that i have were actually vulnerable to destruction, my heart and sanity.

sorry mama pasensya ka na. akala ko'y asawa kita. sayang ang jeepney kanina'y lulan. at ngaun ay nagsisisi sa aking pagbubusisi.

king just vanished from my life. i dont know what happened. but my feelings, his presence, even his friendship had gone away back to oblivion.

i will remember you. will you remember me. dont let your life pass you by.

im going crazy, literally. i just want to sing. respond to every question with a verse from a song that best suits as an answer, converse with lines that pierce your heart but lift your soul. i dont want to open my mind. i dont want to think and talk at the same time. i just wanna be an observer. a photographer of some sort.

why do god give you things that you dont really ask for? why does he allow you to meet people who are so damn special, you wouldnt want anything but keep them? yet he wont allow you to keep that person. you can only love, cherish the memories, but never keep them. never brand them as yours, even for just a while.

spend all your time waiting for that second chance. i need some distraction. in the arms of an angel.

i will never have that second chance on love. ive met my true love yet ive allowed that feeling to slip away. i get disappointed everytime i see him. i love him. i stil do, though not that intense anymore. i still love him. but he doesnt anymore. he has forgotten me. he had said goodbye to our memories. but i still love him. and it hurts.

well, bye for now. i need to be back to the real world though my mind and spirit is already here with you...

ang saya!

2005-08-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

5:29am. 12.August.05

after a year of working in convergys, my aesthetic sense has finally been developed. this is what abba said. hahaha... and she based this on the fact that my former blogskin looked like a stuffed turkey without the good feeling of thanksgiving compared to what iv'e accomplished after 8 hours of work in the office today. ang saya!

------------------------------

today, we didnt do anything at work. the client has decided not to give us anymore work packets to work on, and so we mused ourselves with editing the pictures we have in our temp drive by using Microsoft Paint. how lovely!

------------------------------

yesterday, abba took pictures of Nike, the siberian-husky who dines every morning at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Libis. dang, he's cute. i would gladly be a housemaid for that dog. Also, abba took pictures of bembol, who we met later during the day at UP. she had made a collage of Nike and Bembol comparing them as if they are equals. well, the pictures were really good. if lighting and technique would be the basis, i'd say they are - the pictures. she did a pretty good job. and one last thing she did with her paint program is make an artwork out of mike's cutie pie pic. la lng!

i really don't have anything to write about. i just wanna put something here. i want to post pictures but its almost time to log off so ill probably do it on the weekend.

--------------------------------

in general, i am pretty happy with my life right now. although, i still havent figured out a plan on what to do with my life, im pretty happy. im happy with myself, the people i spend time with almost everyday, and with comes about with those days.

life is lovely!

irritated.

2005-08-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

i am just so damn irritated. this feeling i loathe so much because its just plain senseless. no purpose. no reason. you just feel it. and it can kill you know? it starts with a really tiny detail you've just noticed after weeks of playing it safe and nice. then, you see it. its annoying at first. then it becomes itchy, and really irritating you'll hate yourself for ever opening to such stupidity. arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

today is just a bad day for me. i console myself just so i wont get carried away with whatever shit im feeling right now, and stop thinking about committing suicide. or worse? hurt another so flagrantly it might wash all the emptiness in me - and may actually make me happy. arrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i just couldn't believe my own sister, the very first friend i've had in my friendster, would actually delete me from her account. how insulting! insulting is not even the word for it. its just plain hurtful and mean. it started there. then i saw a couple of faces smiling so feignly for the cameras to capture their good/pretty angles. i just hate it. people posting their most recent, not-so-good pictures just to show the whole online world that they are happy with that special person beside them. arrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

another thing, i hate the captions these pictures carry with them. i hate the mood it tries to create - capturing the memory of that particular event when the picture was not even taken candidly. arrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i am just so disturbed. im crazy, i know. thank you. if your feeling so many emotions all at the same time topped with lovely people around trying so desperately to entice you to come over to their world, you would be just like me. maybe even worse! such is the beauty of living. such is the pain of loving. i hate! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i hate! i hate! i hate! i just love giving into the feeling of hatred from time to time. irritating. loathesome. i hate!

satisfied.

2005-08-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

over and done with it. ive already managed to put my playlist on this wretched of a webpage. im done. i wont ask for anything else. and honestly, im thru with my web-session. i dnt know what to write. i cant write a single, organized article, and my style is distasteful as well as choppy. im planning to close this thingee over here. no purpose really. it didnt serve as my medium to air out my complicated ideas, senseless thoughts. no purpose.

the list above are my current favorite songs, and the only ones i can find in the net that are for free. i dont want to spend so much for my obsession, so i want everything to be free. i do hope you ( people who will come upon the page by accident) will like it. thanks a many to www.music-galore.net. love this site!

im including the lyrics of my most favorite song at the moment, Bamboo's "Much Has Been Said". Unfortunately, i couldnt find any free thingees on the web so i wasnt able to post it as one of the tracks in my playlist. i really love this song. the first time ive heard it, i was hooked. i dnt mind playing it over and over again may you accuse me of redundancy, to hell i care.

Much has been said
Said you never leave
Why’d it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Don’t you throw blame
You were a part of this
Wasn’t suppose to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain but in my baby’s eyes I see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn’t I strong enough to make you see
That the biggest part of this
It’s not about you and me
But just be wrong if we held on
Maybe tomorrow we’ll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We’ve left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don’t know what to do anymore
I’m crying out for helpOhh lord
Much has been saidWill I never learn
Keeping my fingers crossed

Praying for my luck to turn
But I can’t complain

I’m living it easy
Job’s keeping me busy

Going crazy
Can’t describe the way it felt
When you left said your goodbyes

It just seems crazy for me to think
That I’ll find love a second time
But we all know how it all wraps up in the end
Maybe tomorrow we’ll find
Ohhh lord…What am I leaving behind
Sweet how we see the big picture when your life’s not on the line
I know the way out but do you see what I see
A tortured life always second guessing the bookie
Put money on the table thought that was all I had to do
Never came home

Never said a word to you
No one ever said it was going to be easy…

Easy start over again this time this time
Let’s do it right
Start over again this time this time
Let’s keep the fires burning
-------------------------------------------------------------

he just met her through a casual introduction. that's where every deep love starts. but she didnt like him, his baby-boy face illuminated by the dark color of his skin irriated her at first. his voice hurting her ears everytime he utters a word. the way he carries himself - how he dresses, how his hair become so stiff with the mass of gel he puts on to it, down to the punk bracelet that he wears on his right wrist. everything about him makes him a bit of a laughingstock to her. and his confidence just made her scrutinize him even more. he is no guy for her. nothing but a mere specie. that's it. average joe as they call it now. worse, average joe trying to be favio. well, though she isnt much of a catch either - with her bad haircut, acne-infested face, drum of a belly, and set of second-hand clothes that marks her forehead with "weirdo" to complete the package, she hated him. she despised his guts and thinks of him as one pretentious little pussycat who thought of the world as a stage. with his mask on along with a star-studded costume, he tries so hard to convince everyone that he is actually acting, playing the lead role of his own movie titled, His Life. And she loathes him for this. she reviles the fact that this boilerplate is actually playing the same game as she is. she, who seemed too different for everyone else. a game which everybody plays but very few people admit that they are indeed a player. a game of acting and mockery. so she hated him.

but as the days progress, fate made it possible for them to be able to spend time knowing each other better. he became her seatmate. they would not only sit together during class, they would also be going home together since their ways were the same. they would have lunch together, giving silliest punches on the arms.they became friends.

then one day, he leaned against her. she felt a passing shock that made her see him in a new light. he had suddenly become a pretty sight to her. his comely smile, his eyes, his hair, his everything. this is apart from his smell that drove her crazy. his smell that made her want to touch him, caress him, and kiss him tenderly.

she then started to look forward to the time when they would be together, sitting on the bus beside each other. the side of his face on her shoulder.

she likes him. no explanations. she likes him, secretly. by stealth, she would make him hers. her motivation. her world. her love. it doesnt matter to her if he feels the same way towards her, so long as she would be allowed to admire him, cherish him, and love him. it doesnt matter. she would keep him secretly in her world where no one lives but her, and no one plays any game of mockery, only honesty.

2005-07-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

im over and done with. im through with blogging, surfing the net, and all sorts of non-essential stuff. i just wanna linger, be an observer, record accounts of it. im through. over and done with. heck, i cant even type a word right the first time.

2005-07-25T01:34:00.000-07:00

ive finally managed to put music on the webpage. im satisfied, but not entirely happy.
today, someone commented on the webpage as over and tacky. not a good thing, right? its from an anonymous viewer. of course, it hurts knowing that someone actually thinks of it as that. its my freakin' work and im just not good with criticisms, however constructive they may be. but at least someone reads the stuff now, so gotta be thankful for that. so i said thank you.
but i still cant accept the fact that someone thought of the page as "tacky" - meaning distasteful. yes, its over already because i stuffed everything that ive learned into the page, but lacking taste is a bit of an ouch! anyways, whoever that person is... thank you. opinions are like assholes, they're everywhere so gotta live with them. that's what i think. so again, im grateful. *_*

it made me think of how i write. abba thinks of it as lacking "spirit" or "libog" or "feelings", whatever she wants to call it. is it synonymous with "tacky"? im thinking.

though, i really am not asking for people to read the stuff i write here lest comment on it. i just want a medium where i can express what i feel and think, even if they're unorganized and senseless. i just want an account of my experiences so i wont be able to forget them. reason? i feel like im drifting. i maybe well gone in a week, month, or a year. and i want someone to remember. i want myself to remember.

obsessed.

2005-07-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

im obsessed! help!

--- i have just spent 5 hours in front of a computer trying to figure out how do i freakin' attach or embed a sound to my so-called webpage here at blogspot.com . and guess what? im on my 6th hour. haven't slept a single second. haven't eaten since early this dawn. and havent bathe since last night!

SOMEBODY HELP ME??!!! I need to stop now!

im smelly. im sticky. im... im... im... obsessed. help me.

more addiction.

2005-07-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

5 hours after i had created my last post and practically announce to the online world that "i am an addict!" an addict of all sorts actually. here i am again, trying to organize my oh-so-distracted thoughts to create another post of some sense. im distracted. im addicted. all i can envision is how my blog will look like after i add music, make things pop, and allow texts to float. arrrrggggghhhh!
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1:46 pm. im here at the cafe. i have 7 windows open for surfing and blogging. that's aside from the yahoo messenger window that pops up every minute or so to relay the message from my friend, "Pulanco." i havent closed my eyes since the last 15 hours, aside from the rhythmic blinking movement. im stinky. wasted. tired. but my mind is still so awake, my head would only hurt if i allow myself to roll on the bed and make waste of my thoughts. though, honestly, i really dont have any!
-----------------------------------------
after work, abba, dottie, and I had breakfast. though you really cant call it breakfast 'coz we really didnt eat anything. all we had was a share of marilena's spaghetti bolognese, 2 cups of coffee for abba, 2 glasses of icy choco for me, and water for dottie. we talked about a lot of things. well, not really a lot. its just that we've said alot of things regarding a very specific topic which is really shallow and unintellectual. ok, we gossiped. satisfied? *_*

anyways, what we talked about remained there so need to talk about it here. what i want to emphasize, though, is the realization i've made about those conversations. im confused, really. its the idea of scrutinizing people for the things they do yet you yourself are so unaware of doing the same acts that you oh-so despise. ironic, isnt it? also, another fact hit me when i was on the bus on my way home. its the question of knowing who the real people are. its the ability to see behind the mask, and beyond the facade. its about choosing between the people you trust, your friends, and the people who are trustworthy enough to keep one secret, may it be simple, clean, dirty, or complicated. confusing is'nt it?

realization? nothing. just a solution to what's bugging me. TRUST NO ONE NOT EVEN YOURSELF. CONTROL BUT YIELD. Be honest when expressing your feelings, yet be manipulative enough to make people see the things that you want them to see - that's your point of view.

im feeling humid. i wanna be an observer. a photographer or a psychologist of some sort. bye for now.

yipppeeey!

2005-07-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

yesterday up until now, i was so happy to finally succeed in tweaking my blog to something that i really wanted. after a week of getting hooked up to the internet, reading about html, numerous trial and error, I, at last, was able to make an image appear as a background. aside from that, i was also able to attach the 3dtext i made to the header. i loved it! i was jumping in the air feeling like an instant millionaire. i know it's pathetic. such a shallow thing to be so happy about, but i did it. it was my accomplishment and no one could stop me from feeling that way. not even the annoying beings on the other side of the bay can distract me from my nostalgia. i loved it!

anyways, i just hope i would be able to write new things and post it here in my blogspot. ive had so many experiences lately, tons of realizations, much more opinions of my surroundings, the people around me, their habitual whining, and my continous struggle to be part of the norm and be branded as "ordinary" . i love it!

lastly, i cant wait to have the computer my dad promised to give me. my dad will be coming home at the end of the month, and he will be bringing the computer with him. i can see it now - me, sitting in front of the newly-acquired computer devouring on the vast information that the internet can freely provide with just a click of the mouse. i'm planning of quiting this wretched of a job and just be a full time "surfer". how lovely, isnt it? i will be making money just by surfing. though meager a sum, it will be enough. And I will be loving it!

YIPPPEEEY!

80's fever...

2005-07-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

pix from last friday... just got this from abba 'coz the pc here at the cafe is so freakin' slow.

SUCCESS!

2005-07-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

hah! after 2 hours of working out with blogger.com, i finally succeeded in making the last post appear as i wanted. YES! never knew working with html could be so complicated. and i havent even gone through the tutorial. mwahh!

addicted.

2005-07-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

i am offically addicted. addicted to the internet, blogging, and everything else about computers. i dunno why but i just got hooked. im now obssessed to improving this boring blogspot of mine, learn webdesigning, and more. i wanna do tons of things with so little time and a puny brain to house the vast knowledge that there is to learn and master. arrrrgggg!

good thing my dad finally agreed to give me his spare computer. but with that he also told me to ask my LITTLE sis, MaI, to teach me webdesigning so i could save up the effort and money from having to enrol in a computer class. grrrrrHHH! how insulting!

anyways, im hooked. addicted. frantic. hehe... the words dont relate, do they? it's because i am full of so much emotions i dont even know what's what anymore. a while ago, i was in my pablo neruda pensive state and went through all his poems again (well, not all but almost). of course, these poems had me thinking about the past - AGAIN. anyways, i am not going to delve into those memories anymore. its making me tired, sad, and feel uncontented. anyhow, (hehe) ive included two of my favorite poems by Pablo Neruda here, and another one i have gone into liking just now.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

--------------------------

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

--- 'tis the last thing he sent me. through email, he ended his pain and faced the new world that was enticingly calling him. now, he belongs to another. and i, to no one but myself. sad. tired. uncontented. these emotions harp on. and i linger.

--------------------------------------------

Love
Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the

perfumes of spring.

I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;

how did your lips feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,

the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten

your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of

you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will

do me irreparable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every

window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because

of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting

stars, falling objects.

--- just loved this. makes me remember the latest pang i experienced with the person who is so forgettable, yet so rubric. i hate it.

untitled nth.

2005-07-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

05.july.05 1:23am

a week after the so-called conviction, i find more about the truth. of course, as usual, my eyes are puffy and i cried like crazy for hours and hours that i fell asleep doing so. these words keep on crossing my mind...my thoughts...and they confuse me all the more.

"How can you let go of a relationship that just feels so damn right but you know for a fact that it should'nt have begun in the first place?"

i hate myself really. i hate myself for allowing him (and all the other people around him) to make a fool of myself for such a long time. i hate myself for falling for their dumb trap. i hate myself for being so stubborn not listening even to my own inner voice.

now, i am tempted to linger, but i wont if he wont let me.

so so but i'll live...

2005-06-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

i am in a frenzy. i do not know what i feel anymore. one minute i feel sad and the next just feels like the air is slowly being sucked from my insides.each breath i take is endlessly painful for me to make the next step. every thought that crosses my mind lingers... happy thoughts. sad thoughts. they all linger.

my image seems happy, right?

07:05am monday. 27.june.05

the game is over. after 3 months and 3 weeks of being a coward, i finally gathered up my courage to check his cellphone and read the messages stored in there. of course, i just proved my assumptions so no biggie really. but i was crying all night. even in his arms, i cried. it was not until the morning that i finally had the guts to ask him, "why?" "why me?" "why didnt you tell me before when i had tearily asked you what's going on?"

not a word came from his mouth. no remorse shown on his face. nothing. i was nothing to him.

up until i arrived home, i was crying. crying because i was angry at myself for being so damn stupid. i was stupid enough to fall for his silly, mindless game.

"i knew it right from the start. i was just too proud and foolish to admit that i was nothing to him."

it hurts. it hurts so bad i just couldnt reach the core from which this pain originates. my hands are too short and tired to hold on. it hurts deep, and i know that lingering on it will shatter the pieces of what's left of me.

my only consolation - i got to see my dad yesterday. even for just an hour, i got to be with him. and im happy.

bloggerbot success

2005-06-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

2:42am. at work.

i finally finally managed to get a photo host and made "my Photo" appear on the screen as part of my profile. thanks to abba, i was able to search on the internet what photo hosting is and make an account in photobucket.com . YEHEY!!!

anyways, early tonight (well, last night) my pseudo -boyfriend and i met up to have dinner. we were supposed to watch "Batman Begins", but i was late so we ended up just hanging out together with nothing to talk about. he accompanied me to work and kissed me goodbye, which was lighter than usual. i took notice of this and told him in the usual way i tell him things if i get paranoid. he was just silent. afterwards, he gave me a warm smile and kissed me again.

later amigos, need to go to training.

bloggerbot failure

2005-06-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

heyyah... its (again) been a while since i posted something. i was having so much dilemma that i cant put into words the thoughts that pass so fleetingly in my mind.
well, i will try to post at least a fragment of those things here maybe sometime at the end of the week. I was planning to do it now, really, you know fix this blogspot thing of mine, put the things i've written for the last two weeks here. but i failed, as usual, to do it.
why?
its the bloggerbot thing. ive already downloaded it and even managed to make a picture appear on the screen as a post of the day. but that wasnt what i wanted. i just wanted my first picture to appear as the introduction of who is the owner of this blogspot. but it wont show up as that. ive spent a good two hours making it appear as exactly how i wanted it to be, but it just wont. its now 5:30pm, and i still need to meet my pseudo-boyfriend to watch a presumably boring film, "Batman Begins".

so there, gotta go. maybe later, ill try this bloggerbot thing again.

arent i boring? yes i am.

ust...ust...my beloved UST

2005-05-26T01:16:00.000-07:00

thursday.4:22pm.UST

heyah! im backkkkkk!

i havent' blogged for quite a long time now...more than a month ago since my last post. im here at UST with my friend "Pulanco". missed this guy, missed this place - all the memories coming back to me like it is still 2001, and im still the "Clovelle" that I was 4 years ago.

unfortunately, i found out that the former guard of AB and a dear to me had died yesterday at the age of 37 due to an organ failure. Mang Solis, you will surely be missed. again finding out about his death had me reminiscing about the past. hate this feeling, but then again, im with a dear friend so what more can i ask, right?

anyway, be back soon to talk about my complicated, not so organized thoughts. byerss!

2005-04-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

wednesday. almost midnight. office.

here i am again, after having promised to myself that i will be working my butt off for the rest of the week, i'm making another post. weird how this blog things seem to capture you. once you pop, you can't stop. yesterday, i was embarrassed by the fact that i'm actually publishing my senseless thoughts in the internet. my so-called boyfriend laughed at my ideas and how i use the words "idealistic", "eccentric", "intolerant". result, i eliminated those words (in fact, the whole article tackling those emotions) from my posts. said to myself, i am never letting anybody read the things i've written ever again. baaammmmm... i'm here now, trying to put into words the senseless thoughts that i have, and yes, i am going to publish this.

im sick. literally sick. i have this mean cough that makes people stare at me everytime i howl. yes, i howl. this cough makes me feel like i'm dying. couldn't breathe. makes me tired, spent, dead. kinda like... life. it's mean, noticeable, tiring.

4:06am. this post has been inactive on my screen for 4 hours.

5:52am. still inactive. i need to close this since i will be logging out in about 7 minutes. again, my thoughts are choppy, disorganized, and unfinished. i've got so many things to say - about life, about the people around me, how they react, small things, simple emotions. unfortuantely, i haven't got the time - and perseverance - to write everything down. maybe tomorrow. for now, good morning world. for me, good night!

still thoughts

2005-04-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

16 april 05. 8:30 am.

McDo. Breakfast. sitting at the table opposite the door, i watch the people hurry themselves to work or wherever their destination is. as i take my doodle pad out of my bag, i asked myself, "how lucky am i?"

beneath the smiles and eccentric gestures, i realized i am just like any other girl. that i can't be mistaken as otherwise. though i walk and talk like a man, i am inside out a girl.

=========----------------++++++++++++++-----------------===================

Amazing. that's my favorite word for the week, the month, the year, maybe even for the rest of my life. it's just amazing how things seem to fascinate me. every single detail of life is just amazzzziiiinnngggg. a story with a happy beginning but with a sad ending is amazing. everything is amazing. even the way he looks at me amazes me. i've never been looked at by anyone with such piercing eyes. amazing how the pretentious me denies the feeling of being in love from the people who obviously notice it. and it's amazing how unaffected i am by the fact the he really doesn't love me. that he's just there for the smiles, the laughter, the fun, the sex, the trip. he loves another girl, i know. she abandoned him, he said. but he still loves her. the pictures of her in his wallet say it all. his reaction everytime i try to open up a conversation about her confirms it. he loves her. and me? just for the trip.

but still it's amazing.

thoughts

2005-04-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

daily realizations seem to be so in nowadays. people publish their thoughts and would even be clamoring for opinions (good opinions) about what they've written. as for me, guilty. i've always been a hardcore fan of what they call "published realizations". i love reading them and fashioning them with my own. (note: with is not a grammatical error. i fashion other people's thoughts and combined them with mine, fashioning them to be my style.) another thing, i live by these realizations. sometimes my actions contradict the thoughts and would have a whole different set discarding the old ones and branding them as untrue.

nonsense i am, right? true. all of these are nonsense. words are just words. empty unless given life and meaning by the people who hear or read them.

appreciation. the only thing i've ever sought for. i've been wanting to be appreciated by the people i love, i cherish. for me, if someone can't even show appreciation, they have no right of telling you they love you. appreciation. the only thing i've ever sought for. sad to say, i've only felt this from 2 people in all my life. one, from my bestfriend sherly. two, my ex-lover jiorg. all the others, fake love. empty affections.

u4

2005-04-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

each person is unique in their own way. it's ok to declare your uniqueness and announce to the whole world that your different from other people. but to proclaim that you're above the crowd together with the people that you think are so different just because they have their say on each and every happening of life - just like you - is absurd.

people always think they're part of a secret group who are so unique and above everyone else, which thoroughly contradicts the fact of one's individuality, of one's uniqueness.
just a thought.

still untitled.

2005-04-19T03:39:00.000-07:00

13 april 2005. 1:25pm

this is the 2nd official post after having created my account here a month ago. well, not really official since its still untitled. a lot has happened. i went to Puerto Galera and finally got the vacation i've been longing for so long. 3 days at the beach, a great tan, a week of being a bum (drank my heart out, slept 'til i can't sleep no more), a month of pretending to be in love - i'm still not okay!

i have no realizations to announce after having been out of work for too long. i get irritated at night when i'm supposed to be at my best. people and their simple actions seem to piss me off to the point where i just dont want to talk to them anymore. i'm intolerant now.

last night, i just had a squabble with a friend. "squabble?" "violent isn't it?" yes, it is. childish and violent. i didn't get hurt by what she said, i hurt her. and i seemed to enjoy it. i enjoyed the fact that i've hurt her. evil.

well, here's the thing. i've been so different after all that's happened. "after what happened?" after all that's happened with my life. i should be, right? but i'm not happy with the transformation. - unfinished.

untitled.

2005-04-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

24 March 05
Thursday. Batangas. 5:53am. we're here sitting on the benches of Batangas pier, impatiently waiting for the 7am boat to take us to Galera- our temporary haven for the weekend. abba decided to leave everything for the 3 day escape oblivious of what's going to happen upon coming back to Manila.

7:41am. 2 hrs later, our only progress on the journey is that we've managed to keep ourselves awake for the boat to finally arrive at the pier.

im starting to regret this whole thing. this may not be the haven i've so longed for. i've already spent more than a thousand and it only got us a few inches away from where we were at 2 hrs ago.
i should've never agreed going with this company. i'm even starting to hate him. the only consolation is that i'm with abba. but then again, she's asleep right now. even she is unhappy. i can see the regret in her eyes. the sad tired face emanates from her dark brown skin. i know for a fact that the only reason she agreed to go to Puerto is her him - bembol. i know she wishes in that deep loving heart of her that he will follow.
10 minutes. the boat is 10 minutes away. it should be, im tired.

"you're an exception to the rule. you're a bonafide rarity".

welcome to the world

2005-03-22T00:26:00.000-08:00

i finally created a blogspot here in blogger.com . i dont know if i will be able to maintain this page for a long time coz im not really a writer. im more of a dreamer. i think out loud and express my out-of-this world ideas but they are only limited to the confines of the bathroom - my sanctuary. well, since ive already made an account, might as well use it, right? so here goes...

im clovelle. im blythe. im bratty. im eccentric. im complicated. im catatonic. im everything a normal person is not. im having a hard time living reality as it is and force myself to wake up every night at 8pm, take a bath, go to work, earn money, and end my day with beautiful breakfasts with my officemates. i used to have a lot of ideas that could bring up really good conversations with good friends... 'til 3 years ago when i made that fateful decision to go on bords. since then, the feisty but cool clovelle lost herself. now, im just me. catatonic. complicated. eccentric. bratty. blightly.

now, you all... WELCOME TO MY WORLD!