resurrected.

just got back from coron, palawan. the trip was amazing. the pictures were captivating. i was breathless.

thought of going back to blogging for a while already but its just now that i really got to my knees, (literally because i have to kneel to find comfort in typing in front of the monitor) and start typing what i think, feel, and everything.

palawan was, is, will always be perfectly beautiful. the islands are really pretty to look at, tiring to climb up but still perfect. i cant say i had the most fun experience in palawan, personally, maybe because it was just a 2 day trip and i find myself still wanting more from the place. wanting to find time to think about my life and my actions for the past two years (of course, this is because of the great scenery that makes it so perfect for people to find themselves while on such a place). But I didnt. It was fun but not so great. i didnt find peace just like what i found in puerto galera 2 years ago. it was just one of the many. Not that ive traveled so many places already but it was just one of the many fun experiences that i have had. unforgettable yet not lasting.

its ironic because i was with my family (leemuel, my baby, my dad, my sister,and my step family [dont know the term]). there were a lot of pictures taken. numerous exchange of smiles.but no true happiness. just fleeting. as the day ended, the smiles faded along with every strength inside of you to move. slumber takes over.

today, i was looking at the pictures that we took. i find myself ugly. not to mention "grossly overweight" (got the term from one of michael caine's lines from "the weatherman" when he was describing his granddaughter). i wasnt so much of a "camel toe" (again from caine's lines) but my bulging stomache was desperately wanting to escape from the clingy blouse that i was wearing. i dont know what i was thinking wearing those clothes. i'm fat. but i constantly try to deny the fact that i am now a disgusting fat bastard. i always say "sexiness is a state of mind". well, sometimes i still look sexy even with my plus size body but unfortunately, the days that i was in Palawan, didnt include those times that the mind would trick the eye of myself still looking good to other people's eyes.

im pathetic. still the same as before. bad in thinking. bad in writing. bad in every thing. maybe worse.

before writing this, i read the previous postings from the last 2 years. sadly, i never changed. i am still the pathetic, crazy, catatonic old me. stunned to realize that i may never be well. i gotten worse during the duration of those 2 years: getting pregnant unexpectedly, giving birth, and having a family. "i may really need to chuck myself". a thought that came to me while sitting on the side of the boat waiting for the waves to slap my face.waiting, saying to myself that maybe then i might find the courage to really do it. chuck it. my life. but im still as cowardly as i used to be.

so then, i just kneel and type.

later.