so so but i'll live...

i am in a frenzy. i do not know what i feel anymore. one minute i feel sad and the next just feels like the air is slowly being sucked from my insides.each breath i take is endlessly painful for me to make the next step. every thought that crosses my mind lingers... happy thoughts. sad thoughts. they all linger.

my image seems happy, right?

07:05am monday. 27.june.05

the game is over. after 3 months and 3 weeks of being a coward, i finally gathered up my courage to check his cellphone and read the messages stored in there. of course, i just proved my assumptions so no biggie really. but i was crying all night. even in his arms, i cried. it was not until the morning that i finally had the guts to ask him, "why?" "why me?" "why didnt you tell me before when i had tearily asked you what's going on?"

not a word came from his mouth. no remorse shown on his face. nothing. i was nothing to him.

up until i arrived home, i was crying. crying because i was angry at myself for being so damn stupid. i was stupid enough to fall for his silly, mindless game.

"i knew it right from the start. i was just too proud and foolish to admit that i was nothing to him."

it hurts. it hurts so bad i just couldnt reach the core from which this pain originates. my hands are too short and tired to hold on. it hurts deep, and i know that lingering on it will shatter the pieces of what's left of me.

my only consolation - i got to see my dad yesterday. even for just an hour, i got to be with him. and im happy.