resurrected.

just got back from coron, palawan. the trip was amazing. the pictures were captivating. i was breathless.

thought of going back to blogging for a while already but its just now that i really got to my knees, (literally because i have to kneel to find comfort in typing in front of the monitor) and start typing what i think, feel, and everything.

palawan was, is, will always be perfectly beautiful. the islands are really pretty to look at, tiring to climb up but still perfect. i cant say i had the most fun experience in palawan, personally, maybe because it was just a 2 day trip and i find myself still wanting more from the place. wanting to find time to think about my life and my actions for the past two years (of course, this is because of the great scenery that makes it so perfect for people to find themselves while on such a place). But I didnt. It was fun but not so great. i didnt find peace just like what i found in puerto galera 2 years ago. it was just one of the many. Not that ive traveled so many places already but it was just one of the many fun experiences that i have had. unforgettable yet not lasting.

its ironic because i was with my family (leemuel, my baby, my dad, my sister,and my step family [dont know the term]). there were a lot of pictures taken. numerous exchange of smiles.but no true happiness. just fleeting. as the day ended, the smiles faded along with every strength inside of you to move. slumber takes over.

today, i was looking at the pictures that we took. i find myself ugly. not to mention "grossly overweight" (got the term from one of michael caine's lines from "the weatherman" when he was describing his granddaughter). i wasnt so much of a "camel toe" (again from caine's lines) but my bulging stomache was desperately wanting to escape from the clingy blouse that i was wearing. i dont know what i was thinking wearing those clothes. i'm fat. but i constantly try to deny the fact that i am now a disgusting fat bastard. i always say "sexiness is a state of mind". well, sometimes i still look sexy even with my plus size body but unfortunately, the days that i was in Palawan, didnt include those times that the mind would trick the eye of myself still looking good to other people's eyes.

im pathetic. still the same as before. bad in thinking. bad in writing. bad in every thing. maybe worse.

before writing this, i read the previous postings from the last 2 years. sadly, i never changed. i am still the pathetic, crazy, catatonic old me. stunned to realize that i may never be well. i gotten worse during the duration of those 2 years: getting pregnant unexpectedly, giving birth, and having a family. "i may really need to chuck myself". a thought that came to me while sitting on the side of the boat waiting for the waves to slap my face.waiting, saying to myself that maybe then i might find the courage to really do it. chuck it. my life. but im still as cowardly as i used to be.

so then, i just kneel and type.

later.

done.

this blog has served its purpose.

im done with it, and off to another chapter of my life. where, there is not only me but someone else who will be mine, forever.

my baby, im happy to have you at this moment of m life.

you have given me direction and will forever guide me thru life's long journey.

thank you.

sh*t... love sucks!

5:34am

office. crushed. melancholy.

bye, bye belinda bye bye!

im crushed at the moment. crushed with the thought that i have stupidly allowed myself to fall in love with someone that was so different from who i am. and the worst of this, i have been so vocal about my feelings making it hard for him to turn me down - allowing himself to linger on what i feel for him, then convictingly saying NO! when i had just begun to really enjoy what i've had with him.

wala ng iba para sa akin. maging sa panaginip ikaw ang nais makapiling. di pagpapalit kahit kay rio locsin. wala ng iba para sakin. hindi sasaya kung wala ka.

yesterday was jiorg's birthday. i seem to be cursed everytime his birthday comes. last year, i lost my savings. this year, i was extremely vigilant with my earthly possesions just to avoid the thing that happend last year. and i was actually glad that nothing happened to me during the day. well, not 'til the clock struck 12 am. as the day ended and my ex's celebration of birth passed, my heart just got crushed by someone who really didnt mean to do it. i was vigilantly guarding my material belongings that i forgot that the most important possessions that i have were actually vulnerable to destruction, my heart and sanity.

sorry mama pasensya ka na. akala ko'y asawa kita. sayang ang jeepney kanina'y lulan. at ngaun ay nagsisisi sa aking pagbubusisi.

king just vanished from my life. i dont know what happened. but my feelings, his presence, even his friendship had gone away back to oblivion.

i will remember you. will you remember me. dont let your life pass you by.

im going crazy, literally. i just want to sing. respond to every question with a verse from a song that best suits as an answer, converse with lines that pierce your heart but lift your soul. i dont want to open my mind. i dont want to think and talk at the same time. i just wanna be an observer. a photographer of some sort.

why do god give you things that you dont really ask for? why does he allow you to meet people who are so damn special, you wouldnt want anything but keep them? yet he wont allow you to keep that person. you can only love, cherish the memories, but never keep them. never brand them as yours, even for just a while.

spend all your time waiting for that second chance. i need some distraction. in the arms of an angel.

i will never have that second chance on love. ive met my true love yet ive allowed that feeling to slip away. i get disappointed everytime i see him. i love him. i stil do, though not that intense anymore. i still love him. but he doesnt anymore. he has forgotten me. he had said goodbye to our memories. but i still love him. and it hurts.

well, bye for now. i need to be back to the real world though my mind and spirit is already here with you...

ang saya!

5:29am. 12.August.05

after a year of working in convergys, my aesthetic sense has finally been developed. this is what abba said. hahaha... and she based this on the fact that my former blogskin looked like a stuffed turkey without the good feeling of thanksgiving compared to what iv'e accomplished after 8 hours of work in the office today. ang saya!

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today, we didnt do anything at work. the client has decided not to give us anymore work packets to work on, and so we mused ourselves with editing the pictures we have in our temp drive by using Microsoft Paint. how lovely!

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yesterday, abba took pictures of Nike, the siberian-husky who dines every morning at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Libis. dang, he's cute. i would gladly be a housemaid for that dog. Also, abba took pictures of bembol, who we met later during the day at UP. she had made a collage of Nike and Bembol comparing them as if they are equals. well, the pictures were really good. if lighting and technique would be the basis, i'd say they are - the pictures. she did a pretty good job. and one last thing she did with her paint program is make an artwork out of mike's cutie pie pic. la lng!

i really don't have anything to write about. i just wanna put something here. i want to post pictures but its almost time to log off so ill probably do it on the weekend.

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in general, i am pretty happy with my life right now. although, i still havent figured out a plan on what to do with my life, im pretty happy. im happy with myself, the people i spend time with almost everyday, and with comes about with those days.

life is lovely!

irritated.

i am just so damn irritated. this feeling i loathe so much because its just plain senseless. no purpose. no reason. you just feel it. and it can kill you know? it starts with a really tiny detail you've just noticed after weeks of playing it safe and nice. then, you see it. its annoying at first. then it becomes itchy, and really irritating you'll hate yourself for ever opening to such stupidity. arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

today is just a bad day for me. i console myself just so i wont get carried away with whatever shit im feeling right now, and stop thinking about committing suicide. or worse? hurt another so flagrantly it might wash all the emptiness in me - and may actually make me happy. arrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i just couldn't believe my own sister, the very first friend i've had in my friendster, would actually delete me from her account. how insulting! insulting is not even the word for it. its just plain hurtful and mean. it started there. then i saw a couple of faces smiling so feignly for the cameras to capture their good/pretty angles. i just hate it. people posting their most recent, not-so-good pictures just to show the whole online world that they are happy with that special person beside them. arrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

another thing, i hate the captions these pictures carry with them. i hate the mood it tries to create - capturing the memory of that particular event when the picture was not even taken candidly. arrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i am just so disturbed. im crazy, i know. thank you. if your feeling so many emotions all at the same time topped with lovely people around trying so desperately to entice you to come over to their world, you would be just like me. maybe even worse! such is the beauty of living. such is the pain of loving. i hate! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i hate! i hate! i hate! i just love giving into the feeling of hatred from time to time. irritating. loathesome. i hate!

satisfied.

over and done with it. ive already managed to put my playlist on this wretched of a webpage. im done. i wont ask for anything else. and honestly, im thru with my web-session. i dnt know what to write. i cant write a single, organized article, and my style is distasteful as well as choppy. im planning to close this thingee over here. no purpose really. it didnt serve as my medium to air out my complicated ideas, senseless thoughts. no purpose.

the list above are my current favorite songs, and the only ones i can find in the net that are for free. i dont want to spend so much for my obsession, so i want everything to be free. i do hope you ( people who will come upon the page by accident) will like it. thanks a many to www.music-galore.net. love this site!

im including the lyrics of my most favorite song at the moment, Bamboo's "Much Has Been Said". Unfortunately, i couldnt find any free thingees on the web so i wasnt able to post it as one of the tracks in my playlist. i really love this song. the first time ive heard it, i was hooked. i dnt mind playing it over and over again may you accuse me of redundancy, to hell i care.

Much has been said
Said you never leave
Why’d it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Don’t you throw blame
You were a part of this
Wasn’t suppose to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain but in my baby’s eyes I see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn’t I strong enough to make you see
That the biggest part of this
It’s not about you and me
But just be wrong if we held on
Maybe tomorrow we’ll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We’ve left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don’t know what to do anymore
I’m crying out for helpOhh lord
Much has been saidWill I never learn
Keeping my fingers crossed

Praying for my luck to turn
But I can’t complain

I’m living it easy
Job’s keeping me busy

Going crazy
Can’t describe the way it felt
When you left said your goodbyes

It just seems crazy for me to think
That I’ll find love a second time
But we all know how it all wraps up in the end
Maybe tomorrow we’ll find
Ohhh lord…What am I leaving behind
Sweet how we see the big picture when your life’s not on the line
I know the way out but do you see what I see
A tortured life always second guessing the bookie
Put money on the table thought that was all I had to do
Never came home

Never said a word to you
No one ever said it was going to be easy…

Easy start over again this time this time
Let’s do it right
Start over again this time this time
Let’s keep the fires burning
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he just met her through a casual introduction. that's where every deep love starts. but she didnt like him, his baby-boy face illuminated by the dark color of his skin irriated her at first. his voice hurting her ears everytime he utters a word. the way he carries himself - how he dresses, how his hair become so stiff with the mass of gel he puts on to it, down to the punk bracelet that he wears on his right wrist. everything about him makes him a bit of a laughingstock to her. and his confidence just made her scrutinize him even more. he is no guy for her. nothing but a mere specie. that's it. average joe as they call it now. worse, average joe trying to be favio. well, though she isnt much of a catch either - with her bad haircut, acne-infested face, drum of a belly, and set of second-hand clothes that marks her forehead with "weirdo" to complete the package, she hated him. she despised his guts and thinks of him as one pretentious little pussycat who thought of the world as a stage. with his mask on along with a star-studded costume, he tries so hard to convince everyone that he is actually acting, playing the lead role of his own movie titled, His Life. And she loathes him for this. she reviles the fact that this boilerplate is actually playing the same game as she is. she, who seemed too different for everyone else. a game which everybody plays but very few people admit that they are indeed a player. a game of acting and mockery. so she hated him.

but as the days progress, fate made it possible for them to be able to spend time knowing each other better. he became her seatmate. they would not only sit together during class, they would also be going home together since their ways were the same. they would have lunch together, giving silliest punches on the arms.they became friends.

then one day, he leaned against her. she felt a passing shock that made her see him in a new light. he had suddenly become a pretty sight to her. his comely smile, his eyes, his hair, his everything. this is apart from his smell that drove her crazy. his smell that made her want to touch him, caress him, and kiss him tenderly.

she then started to look forward to the time when they would be together, sitting on the bus beside each other. the side of his face on her shoulder.

she likes him. no explanations. she likes him, secretly. by stealth, she would make him hers. her motivation. her world. her love. it doesnt matter to her if he feels the same way towards her, so long as she would be allowed to admire him, cherish him, and love him. it doesnt matter. she would keep him secretly in her world where no one lives but her, and no one plays any game of mockery, only honesty.

im over and done with. im through with blogging, surfing the net, and all sorts of non-essential stuff. i just wanna linger, be an observer, record accounts of it. im through. over and done with. heck, i cant even type a word right the first time.