wednesday. almost midnight. office.

here i am again, after having promised to myself that i will be working my butt off for the rest of the week, i'm making another post. weird how this blog things seem to capture you. once you pop, you can't stop. yesterday, i was embarrassed by the fact that i'm actually publishing my senseless thoughts in the internet. my so-called boyfriend laughed at my ideas and how i use the words "idealistic", "eccentric", "intolerant". result, i eliminated those words (in fact, the whole article tackling those emotions) from my posts. said to myself, i am never letting anybody read the things i've written ever again. baaammmmm... i'm here now, trying to put into words the senseless thoughts that i have, and yes, i am going to publish this.

im sick. literally sick. i have this mean cough that makes people stare at me everytime i howl. yes, i howl. this cough makes me feel like i'm dying. couldn't breathe. makes me tired, spent, dead. kinda like... life. it's mean, noticeable, tiring.

4:06am. this post has been inactive on my screen for 4 hours.

5:52am. still inactive. i need to close this since i will be logging out in about 7 minutes. again, my thoughts are choppy, disorganized, and unfinished. i've got so many things to say - about life, about the people around me, how they react, small things, simple emotions. unfortuantely, i haven't got the time - and perseverance - to write everything down. maybe tomorrow. for now, good morning world. for me, good night!

still thoughts

16 april 05. 8:30 am.

McDo. Breakfast. sitting at the table opposite the door, i watch the people hurry themselves to work or wherever their destination is. as i take my doodle pad out of my bag, i asked myself, "how lucky am i?"

beneath the smiles and eccentric gestures, i realized i am just like any other girl. that i can't be mistaken as otherwise. though i walk and talk like a man, i am inside out a girl.

=========----------------++++++++++++++-----------------===================

Amazing. that's my favorite word for the week, the month, the year, maybe even for the rest of my life. it's just amazing how things seem to fascinate me. every single detail of life is just amazzzziiiinnngggg. a story with a happy beginning but with a sad ending is amazing. everything is amazing. even the way he looks at me amazes me. i've never been looked at by anyone with such piercing eyes. amazing how the pretentious me denies the feeling of being in love from the people who obviously notice it. and it's amazing how unaffected i am by the fact the he really doesn't love me. that he's just there for the smiles, the laughter, the fun, the sex, the trip. he loves another girl, i know. she abandoned him, he said. but he still loves her. the pictures of her in his wallet say it all. his reaction everytime i try to open up a conversation about her confirms it. he loves her. and me? just for the trip.

but still it's amazing.

thoughts

daily realizations seem to be so in nowadays. people publish their thoughts and would even be clamoring for opinions (good opinions) about what they've written. as for me, guilty. i've always been a hardcore fan of what they call "published realizations". i love reading them and fashioning them with my own. (note: with is not a grammatical error. i fashion other people's thoughts and combined them with mine, fashioning them to be my style.) another thing, i live by these realizations. sometimes my actions contradict the thoughts and would have a whole different set discarding the old ones and branding them as untrue.

nonsense i am, right? true. all of these are nonsense. words are just words. empty unless given life and meaning by the people who hear or read them.

appreciation. the only thing i've ever sought for. i've been wanting to be appreciated by the people i love, i cherish. for me, if someone can't even show appreciation, they have no right of telling you they love you. appreciation. the only thing i've ever sought for. sad to say, i've only felt this from 2 people in all my life. one, from my bestfriend sherly. two, my ex-lover jiorg. all the others, fake love. empty affections.

u4

each person is unique in their own way. it's ok to declare your uniqueness and announce to the whole world that your different from other people. but to proclaim that you're above the crowd together with the people that you think are so different just because they have their say on each and every happening of life - just like you - is absurd.

people always think they're part of a secret group who are so unique and above everyone else, which thoroughly contradicts the fact of one's individuality, of one's uniqueness.
just a thought.

still untitled.

13 april 2005. 1:25pm

this is the 2nd official post after having created my account here a month ago. well, not really official since its still untitled. a lot has happened. i went to Puerto Galera and finally got the vacation i've been longing for so long. 3 days at the beach, a great tan, a week of being a bum (drank my heart out, slept 'til i can't sleep no more), a month of pretending to be in love - i'm still not okay!

i have no realizations to announce after having been out of work for too long. i get irritated at night when i'm supposed to be at my best. people and their simple actions seem to piss me off to the point where i just dont want to talk to them anymore. i'm intolerant now.

last night, i just had a squabble with a friend. "squabble?" "violent isn't it?" yes, it is. childish and violent. i didn't get hurt by what she said, i hurt her. and i seemed to enjoy it. i enjoyed the fact that i've hurt her. evil.

well, here's the thing. i've been so different after all that's happened. "after what happened?" after all that's happened with my life. i should be, right? but i'm not happy with the transformation. - unfinished.

untitled.

24 March 05
Thursday. Batangas. 5:53am. we're here sitting on the benches of Batangas pier, impatiently waiting for the 7am boat to take us to Galera- our temporary haven for the weekend. abba decided to leave everything for the 3 day escape oblivious of what's going to happen upon coming back to Manila.

7:41am. 2 hrs later, our only progress on the journey is that we've managed to keep ourselves awake for the boat to finally arrive at the pier.

im starting to regret this whole thing. this may not be the haven i've so longed for. i've already spent more than a thousand and it only got us a few inches away from where we were at 2 hrs ago.
i should've never agreed going with this company. i'm even starting to hate him. the only consolation is that i'm with abba. but then again, she's asleep right now. even she is unhappy. i can see the regret in her eyes. the sad tired face emanates from her dark brown skin. i know for a fact that the only reason she agreed to go to Puerto is her him - bembol. i know she wishes in that deep loving heart of her that he will follow.
10 minutes. the boat is 10 minutes away. it should be, im tired.

"you're an exception to the rule. you're a bonafide rarity".