so so but i'll live...

i am in a frenzy. i do not know what i feel anymore. one minute i feel sad and the next just feels like the air is slowly being sucked from my insides.each breath i take is endlessly painful for me to make the next step. every thought that crosses my mind lingers... happy thoughts. sad thoughts. they all linger.

my image seems happy, right?

07:05am monday. 27.june.05

the game is over. after 3 months and 3 weeks of being a coward, i finally gathered up my courage to check his cellphone and read the messages stored in there. of course, i just proved my assumptions so no biggie really. but i was crying all night. even in his arms, i cried. it was not until the morning that i finally had the guts to ask him, "why?" "why me?" "why didnt you tell me before when i had tearily asked you what's going on?"

not a word came from his mouth. no remorse shown on his face. nothing. i was nothing to him.

up until i arrived home, i was crying. crying because i was angry at myself for being so damn stupid. i was stupid enough to fall for his silly, mindless game.

"i knew it right from the start. i was just too proud and foolish to admit that i was nothing to him."

it hurts. it hurts so bad i just couldnt reach the core from which this pain originates. my hands are too short and tired to hold on. it hurts deep, and i know that lingering on it will shatter the pieces of what's left of me.

my only consolation - i got to see my dad yesterday. even for just an hour, i got to be with him. and im happy.

bloggerbot success

2:42am. at work.

i finally finally managed to get a photo host and made "my Photo" appear on the screen as part of my profile. thanks to abba, i was able to search on the internet what photo hosting is and make an account in photobucket.com . YEHEY!!!

anyways, early tonight (well, last night) my pseudo -boyfriend and i met up to have dinner. we were supposed to watch "Batman Begins", but i was late so we ended up just hanging out together with nothing to talk about. he accompanied me to work and kissed me goodbye, which was lighter than usual. i took notice of this and told him in the usual way i tell him things if i get paranoid. he was just silent. afterwards, he gave me a warm smile and kissed me again.

later amigos, need to go to training.

bloggerbot failure

heyyah... its (again) been a while since i posted something. i was having so much dilemma that i cant put into words the thoughts that pass so fleetingly in my mind.
well, i will try to post at least a fragment of those things here maybe sometime at the end of the week. I was planning to do it now, really, you know fix this blogspot thing of mine, put the things i've written for the last two weeks here. but i failed, as usual, to do it.
why?
its the bloggerbot thing. ive already downloaded it and even managed to make a picture appear on the screen as a post of the day. but that wasnt what i wanted. i just wanted my first picture to appear as the introduction of who is the owner of this blogspot. but it wont show up as that. ive spent a good two hours making it appear as exactly how i wanted it to be, but it just wont. its now 5:30pm, and i still need to meet my pseudo-boyfriend to watch a presumably boring film, "Batman Begins".

so there, gotta go. maybe later, ill try this bloggerbot thing again.

arent i boring? yes i am.