im over and done with. im through with blogging, surfing the net, and all sorts of non-essential stuff. i just wanna linger, be an observer, record accounts of it. im through. over and done with. heck, i cant even type a word right the first time.

ive finally managed to put music on the webpage. im satisfied, but not entirely happy.
today, someone commented on the webpage as over and tacky. not a good thing, right? its from an anonymous viewer. of course, it hurts knowing that someone actually thinks of it as that. its my freakin' work and im just not good with criticisms, however constructive they may be. but at least someone reads the stuff now, so gotta be thankful for that. so i said thank you.
but i still cant accept the fact that someone thought of the page as "tacky" - meaning distasteful. yes, its over already because i stuffed everything that ive learned into the page, but lacking taste is a bit of an ouch! anyways, whoever that person is... thank you. opinions are like assholes, they're everywhere so gotta live with them. that's what i think. so again, im grateful. *_*

it made me think of how i write. abba thinks of it as lacking "spirit" or "libog" or "feelings", whatever she wants to call it. is it synonymous with "tacky"? im thinking.

though, i really am not asking for people to read the stuff i write here lest comment on it. i just want a medium where i can express what i feel and think, even if they're unorganized and senseless. i just want an account of my experiences so i wont be able to forget them. reason? i feel like im drifting. i maybe well gone in a week, month, or a year. and i want someone to remember. i want myself to remember.

obsessed.

im obsessed! help!

--- i have just spent 5 hours in front of a computer trying to figure out how do i freakin' attach or embed a sound to my so-called webpage here at blogspot.com . and guess what? im on my 6th hour. haven't slept a single second. haven't eaten since early this dawn. and havent bathe since last night!

SOMEBODY HELP ME??!!! I need to stop now!

im smelly. im sticky. im... im... im... obsessed. help me.

more addiction.

5 hours after i had created my last post and practically announce to the online world that "i am an addict!" an addict of all sorts actually. here i am again, trying to organize my oh-so-distracted thoughts to create another post of some sense. im distracted. im addicted. all i can envision is how my blog will look like after i add music, make things pop, and allow texts to float. arrrrggggghhhh!
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1:46 pm. im here at the cafe. i have 7 windows open for surfing and blogging. that's aside from the yahoo messenger window that pops up every minute or so to relay the message from my friend, "Pulanco." i havent closed my eyes since the last 15 hours, aside from the rhythmic blinking movement. im stinky. wasted. tired. but my mind is still so awake, my head would only hurt if i allow myself to roll on the bed and make waste of my thoughts. though, honestly, i really dont have any!
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after work, abba, dottie, and I had breakfast. though you really cant call it breakfast 'coz we really didnt eat anything. all we had was a share of marilena's spaghetti bolognese, 2 cups of coffee for abba, 2 glasses of icy choco for me, and water for dottie. we talked about a lot of things. well, not really a lot. its just that we've said alot of things regarding a very specific topic which is really shallow and unintellectual. ok, we gossiped. satisfied? *_*

anyways, what we talked about remained there so need to talk about it here. what i want to emphasize, though, is the realization i've made about those conversations. im confused, really. its the idea of scrutinizing people for the things they do yet you yourself are so unaware of doing the same acts that you oh-so despise. ironic, isnt it? also, another fact hit me when i was on the bus on my way home. its the question of knowing who the real people are. its the ability to see behind the mask, and beyond the facade. its about choosing between the people you trust, your friends, and the people who are trustworthy enough to keep one secret, may it be simple, clean, dirty, or complicated. confusing is'nt it?

realization? nothing. just a solution to what's bugging me. TRUST NO ONE NOT EVEN YOURSELF. CONTROL BUT YIELD. Be honest when expressing your feelings, yet be manipulative enough to make people see the things that you want them to see - that's your point of view.

im feeling humid. i wanna be an observer. a photographer or a psychologist of some sort. bye for now.

yipppeeey!

yesterday up until now, i was so happy to finally succeed in tweaking my blog to something that i really wanted. after a week of getting hooked up to the internet, reading about html, numerous trial and error, I, at last, was able to make an image appear as a background. aside from that, i was also able to attach the 3dtext i made to the header. i loved it! i was jumping in the air feeling like an instant millionaire. i know it's pathetic. such a shallow thing to be so happy about, but i did it. it was my accomplishment and no one could stop me from feeling that way. not even the annoying beings on the other side of the bay can distract me from my nostalgia. i loved it!

anyways, i just hope i would be able to write new things and post it here in my blogspot. ive had so many experiences lately, tons of realizations, much more opinions of my surroundings, the people around me, their habitual whining, and my continous struggle to be part of the norm and be branded as "ordinary" . i love it!

lastly, i cant wait to have the computer my dad promised to give me. my dad will be coming home at the end of the month, and he will be bringing the computer with him. i can see it now - me, sitting in front of the newly-acquired computer devouring on the vast information that the internet can freely provide with just a click of the mouse. i'm planning of quiting this wretched of a job and just be a full time "surfer". how lovely, isnt it? i will be making money just by surfing. though meager a sum, it will be enough. And I will be loving it!

YIPPPEEEY!

80's fever...

pix from last friday... just got this from abba 'coz the pc here at the cafe is so freakin' slow.

SUCCESS!

hah! after 2 hours of working out with blogger.com, i finally succeeded in making the last post appear as i wanted. YES! never knew working with html could be so complicated. and i havent even gone through the tutorial. mwahh!

addicted.

i am offically addicted. addicted to the internet, blogging, and everything else about computers. i dunno why but i just got hooked. im now obssessed to improving this boring blogspot of mine, learn webdesigning, and more. i wanna do tons of things with so little time and a puny brain to house the vast knowledge that there is to learn and master. arrrrgggg!

good thing my dad finally agreed to give me his spare computer. but with that he also told me to ask my LITTLE sis, MaI, to teach me webdesigning so i could save up the effort and money from having to enrol in a computer class. grrrrrHHH! how insulting!

anyways, im hooked. addicted. frantic. hehe... the words dont relate, do they? it's because i am full of so much emotions i dont even know what's what anymore. a while ago, i was in my pablo neruda pensive state and went through all his poems again (well, not all but almost). of course, these poems had me thinking about the past - AGAIN. anyways, i am not going to delve into those memories anymore. its making me tired, sad, and feel uncontented. anyhow, (hehe) ive included two of my favorite poems by Pablo Neruda here, and another one i have gone into liking just now.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

--------------------------

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

--- 'tis the last thing he sent me. through email, he ended his pain and faced the new world that was enticingly calling him. now, he belongs to another. and i, to no one but myself. sad. tired. uncontented. these emotions harp on. and i linger.

--------------------------------------------

Love
Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the

perfumes of spring.

I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;

how did your lips feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,

the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten

your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of

you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will

do me irreparable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every

window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because

of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting

stars, falling objects.

--- just loved this. makes me remember the latest pang i experienced with the person who is so forgettable, yet so rubric. i hate it.

untitled nth.

05.july.05 1:23am

a week after the so-called conviction, i find more about the truth. of course, as usual, my eyes are puffy and i cried like crazy for hours and hours that i fell asleep doing so. these words keep on crossing my mind...my thoughts...and they confuse me all the more.

"How can you let go of a relationship that just feels so damn right but you know for a fact that it should'nt have begun in the first place?"

i hate myself really. i hate myself for allowing him (and all the other people around him) to make a fool of myself for such a long time. i hate myself for falling for their dumb trap. i hate myself for being so stubborn not listening even to my own inner voice.

now, i am tempted to linger, but i wont if he wont let me.